I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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