shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
