I heard we made out
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
