he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
