I wish I could punch you in the face.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
