Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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