not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
