toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
