she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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