Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
MIDGETS
????
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
