he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
