my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
