Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
