if you like me you must not know who I am
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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