he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
