Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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