How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
