somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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