Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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