all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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