now i know why i became what i already was.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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