if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
