just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
