Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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