I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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