hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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