just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Drake has all the answers
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
