About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
