mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this just has baby written all over it
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
