paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
