i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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