we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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