Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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