haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
