im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
