My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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