I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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