her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
