i already hear my dad disowning me
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
