It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
