please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
