I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
