If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
someone owes me an orgasm
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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