my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
