I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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