He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
