Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
