Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
