What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
