Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
