Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
