after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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