So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
