apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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