I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
